I've seen many stories floating around this site, whether it be fanfiction or original stories, and I've always noticed things about them that can be improved. Now, I'm not a pro writer or anything, but I can tell where there are mistakes and what can be easily corrected. (By the way, if a mod doesn't think this is the right board for the thread, please move it!)
Which is why I decided to create this thread: To help people with mistakes in their writing and improve it. I'll take any type of writing, be it original or a fanfic for whatever fandom (although if it's not one I know I possibly will have trouble with the context but I will try my best.)
What you do is either you submit an excerpt from a story you are writing (anywhere from a paragraph to 3 chapters) and I review it. Very simple! (For those of you who don't know the definition of excerpt, it is a short extract from any piece of media. For example, a chapter from a book.)
Rules: 1. If I offend you when I offer advice, please remember that I AM NOT trying to offend you or say it's bad. I am trying to help, and I'm very sorry if I've made you feel bad in the process. 2. Stories that are not appropriate for the forums will not be accepted. Please follow Falconstar's rules. 3. If it's a very lengthy excerpt, put it under a read more. 4. I will make the reviews public unless you state otherwise. I just make them public because others can also benefit from the advice! 5. If you want me to help you privately, only post your form on the thread and leave the excerpt part blank and state that you want it to be reviewed privately. Then just PM me the story, and I'll help you there.
If I get too many people, I'll ask for you guys to apply to help me and be a co-owner, but right now since this thread is pretty new I don't need a co-owner.
Anyways, the form! Very short and simple.
USERNAME: PRIVATE HELP? YES/NO: EXCERPT: Thank you for reading this!
Chapter one A brown tabby she-cat stood in front of a white and black tom, by the name of Tipfoot. Tipfoot stared at her in surprise. "Oakclaw, what do you want?" Oakclaw just flicked her tail. Her eyes narrowed. She snarled, her sharp teeth glinting in the moonlight.
"Prepare to die," she growled before leaping. She slashed her claws across the tom's neck. He pawed feebly at Oakclaw before he fell, blood gushing out of his neck. The light in his eyes faded, leaving behind the dull gaze of a dead cat. Oakclaw lashed her tail, her mouth curved into a slight smirk as she stood beside the dead cat.
She then licked her paws clean of any blood, and walked back to the camp, into the warriors den, and to her nest beside her mate, Haretail. Haretail looked at her, and licked her between her ears briefly before going back to sleep. Oakclaw purred before she fell asleep beside the tom.
In the morning, when Oakclaw woke, Haretail was gone. He must have joined the dawn patrol. Oakclaw stretched, shook any scraps of moss from her pelt, and padded out of the den. She padded to the deputy, Alderclaw.
"Good morning, Oakclaw. Can you join Rockfang, Swallowwhisker, and Reedflower on a patrol?" Alderclaw asked Oakclaw.
"Certainly," the brown tabby she-cat purred. She padded over to the three cats who were waiting by the camp entrance. "Where are we headed?"
"We're headed for the Windclan border," Rockfang, the leader of the patrol, answered. Oakclaw flicked her tail slightly. That was where she had killed Tipfoot. Rockfang began to lead the cats in that direction, checking around to make sure no cats had intruded on their land. They had been walking for quite a distance when a putrid smell hit their noses.
"What in starclan's name is that?" Swallowwhisker asked while wrinkling her nose.
"Guess we should find out," Oakclaw murmured, following the rest of the group to the scent.
"It's Tipfoot!" Reedflower exclaimed, her eyes widened. Oakclaw followed her gaze to the black and white cat she had killed the previous night.
"What happened?" Swallowwhisker asked in surprise.
"Looks like he was murdered." Rockfang began sniffing around the dead cat. "I can't make out any scents." Oakclaw padded up to the cats who were around Tipfoot.
"I wonder if it was a Windclan cat," she murmured, an ear flicking.
"We should bring him back to camp." Swallowwhisker began to lift Tipfoot onto Rockfang's back, along with the help of Reedflower. The cats all then began to head back to camp.
As they entered, many cats looked up in surprise.
"What happened?" Haretail asked, running up to the five cats.
"Tipfoot was murdered," Oakclaw answered.
The medicine cat, Mottlepelt, padded out of his den and to the cats. Rockfang lowered Tipfoot to the ground as more and more cats began to crowd around them.
"Leave Tipfoot some space!" Aspenstar, the leader, called out as she walked up to Tipfoot, Alderclaw at her side. Aspenstar sat, and lowered her head. The cats around her followed suit. "Tipfoot was a brave and noble warrior. It is a shame that this has happened. May he rest with Starclan."
"Are we going to fight Windclan?" Sparrowwhisker asked Aspenstar.
"We don't know for certain that it was Windclan," Aspenstar answered.
As the cats began bickering about whether or not to fight Windclan, Mottlepelt padded up to Tipfoot. He began to examine his pelt, looking for a hint of who might have killed the tom. His eyes strayed upon a tuft of brown fur that had been snagged in Tipfoot's claws. Mottlepelt carefully got the tuft of fur from the grasp of the tom and sniffed it. It smelled strangely familiar. His eyes widened as he realized who it smelled like.
Mottlepelt looked up and locked eyes with Oakclaw. The she-cat had been watching him carefully.
"Oakclaw, do you know who may have killed Tipfoot?" Mottlepelt asked Oakclaw.
"I don't know anything about the death of Tipfoot," Oakclaw answered, staring at the tuft of brown fur that now rested on the floor. "I promise," she added, staring up into Mottlepelt's eyes.
Chapter two (This is from the point of view of a different cat. From who, I will not tell. Figure if out for yourself c; This is also in the past. It took place before chapter one.)
A black and white cat rose from his den, moonlight streaming down through a few patches in the warriors den. He carefully got up and left, unaware of a cat watching him as he left. A chilly breeze swept through the camp, chilling the tom. He began to wonder if this was a good idea. I have to tell her! Gritting his teeth against the cold, he padded over to Aspenstar's den.
A black and white cat called out in front of the leader's den. "Aspenstar? I...I need to talk to you," he murmured, shifting his paws uncomfortably.
"Come in, then." Aspenstar looked up at the tom as he entered. "What is it you need to talk to me about?"
"It's about Raventail's death," the tom whispered quietly. His tail tip flicked, and his paws quivered as a memory flashed across his eyes.
Aspenstar tilted her head. "I see. What about his death?"
"I think I know who killed him."
"Who? Was it a Windclan cat?" Aspenstar asked.
"N-No," the tom murmured. He glanced behind his back at the den entrance, as if he was expecting someone to appear.
"Is something alright?" Aspenstar asked, looking over the tom's shoulder. The tom drew in a shaky breath.
"It's not safe here. It wasn't a Windclan cat, it's a Thunderclan cat. There is a murderer in this camp."
Aspenstar's eyes widened. "Who is it?" she whispered, leaning closer toward the black and white tom.
"It's O-" A loud wail cut him off. Aspenstar quickly ran outside, leaving the black and white tom shaking. He slowly followed his leader. He was greeted by the sight of Bluetail, one of the queens. She was clearly panic-stricken.
"What happened?" Aspenstar asked Bluetail gently.
"My...My kits! They're gone!" She wailed louder. Alderclaw rushed to her side, pressing himself comfortingly against his mate's side.
Aspenstar looked up as the cats began to slowly creep out from the dens.
"Has anyone seen what happened to Bluetail's kits?"
"I have," Oakclaw answered, stepping forward. Aspenstar lightly flicked her ear. "I had gotten up to go to the dirt place, when I smelled their scent. They had escaped the camp. Of course, I followed them. But by the time I caught up with them, it was too late. They had been murdered." Oakclaw looked around the camp, before resting her eyes on Aspenstar once more. "They were killed on the Windclan border." Gasps of surprise sounded throughout the camp, broken by a long, piercing wail.
"We have to attack Windclan! That's the second time Windclan has killed our cats!" Rockfang growled, staring at Aspenstar. Cries of agreement rose up around him.
"Now, now," Aspenstar tried to quiet the clan, but to no avail. "Silence!" she yowled. The voices died down. "We don't know for certain that it was Windclan. There could just be a rogue who lives around the Windclan border who is killing these cats. We do not have full proof that it is Windclan. We will not attack," she glared at Rockfang, "until we know for certain that it is Windclan."
Aspenstar glanced at the black and white tom who had crept down to join his classmates. She scanned the crowd, trying to find who may have killed Raventail. She didn't manage to hear what the tom had said, due to the loud wail that had cut him off.
She failed to notice the brown tabby she-cat who was staring intently at the black and white tom, her eyes narrowed, claws slightly unsheathed.
Chapter one A brown tabby she-cat stood in front of a white and black tom, by the name of Tipfoot. Tipfoot stared at her in surprise. "Oakclaw, what do you want?" Oakclaw just flicked her tail. Her eyes narrowed. She snarled, her sharp teeth glinting in the moonlight.
"Prepare to die," she growled before leaping. She slashed her claws across the tom's neck. He pawed feebly at Oakclaw before he fell, blood gushing out of his neck. The light in his eyes faded, leaving behind the dull gaze of a dead cat. Oakclaw lashed her tail, her mouth curved into a slight smirk as she stood beside the dead cat.
She then licked her paws clean of any blood, and walked back to the camp, into the warriors den, and to her nest beside her mate, Haretail. Haretail looked at her, and licked her between her ears briefly before going back to sleep. Oakclaw purred before she fell asleep beside the tom.
In the morning, when Oakclaw woke, Haretail was gone. He must have joined the dawn patrol. Oakclaw stretched, shook any scraps of moss from her pelt, and padded out of the den. She padded to the deputy, Alderclaw.
"Good morning, Oakclaw. Can you join Rockfang, Swallowwhisker, and Reedflower on a patrol?" Alderclaw asked Oakclaw.
"Certainly," the brown tabby she-cat purred. She padded over to the three cats who were waiting by the camp entrance. "Where are we headed?"
"We're headed for the Windclan border," Rockfang, the leader of the patrol, answered. Oakclaw flicked her tail slightly. That was where she had killed Tipfoot. Rockfang began to lead the cats in that direction, checking around to make sure no cats had intruded on their land. They had been walking for quite a distance when a putrid smell hit their noses.
"What in starclan's name is that?" Swallowwhisker asked while wrinkling her nose.
"Guess we should find out," Oakclaw murmured, following the rest of the group to the scent.
"It's Tipfoot!" Reedflower exclaimed, her eyes widened. Oakclaw followed her gaze to the black and white cat she had killed the previous night.
"What happened?" Swallowwhisker asked in surprise.
"Looks like he was murdered." Rockfang began sniffing around the dead cat. "I can't make out any scents." Oakclaw padded up to the cats who were around Tipfoot.
"I wonder if it was a Windclan cat," she murmured, an ear flicking.
"We should bring him back to camp." Swallowwhisker began to lift Tipfoot onto Rockfang's back, along with the help of Reedflower. The cats all then began to head back to camp.
As they entered, many cats looked up in surprise.
"What happened?" Haretail asked, running up to the five cats.
"Tipfoot was murdered," Oakclaw answered.
The medicine cat, Mottlepelt, padded out of his den and to the cats. Rockfang lowered Tipfoot to the ground as more and more cats began to crowd around them.
"Leave Tipfoot some space!" Aspenstar, the leader, called out as she walked up to Tipfoot, Alderclaw at her side. Aspenstar sat, and lowered her head. The cats around her followed suit. "Tipfoot was a brave and noble warrior. It is a shame that this has happened. May he rest with Starclan."
"Are we going to fight Windclan?" Sparrowwhisker asked Aspenstar.
"We don't know for certain that it was Windclan," Aspenstar answered.
As the cats began bickering about whether or not to fight Windclan, Mottlepelt padded up to Tipfoot. He began to examine his pelt, looking for a hint of who might have killed the tom. His eyes strayed upon a tuft of brown fur that had been snagged in Tipfoot's claws. Mottlepelt carefully got the tuft of fur from the grasp of the tom and sniffed it. It smelled strangely familiar. His eyes widened as he realized who it smelled like.
Mottlepelt looked up and locked eyes with Oakclaw. The she-cat had been watching him carefully.
"Oakclaw, do you know who may have killed Tipfoot?" Mottlepelt asked Oakclaw.
"I don't know anything about the death of Tipfoot," Oakclaw answered, staring at the tuft of brown fur that now rested on the floor. "I promise," she added, staring up into Mottlepelt's eyes.
Chapter two (This is from the point of view of a different cat. From who, I will not tell. Figure if out for yourself c; This is also in the past. It took place before chapter one.)
A black and white cat rose from his den, moonlight streaming down through a few patches in the warriors den. He carefully got up and left, unaware of a cat watching him as he left. A chilly breeze swept through the camp, chilling the tom. He began to wonder if this was a good idea. I have to tell her! Gritting his teeth against the cold, he padded over to Aspenstar's den.
A black and white cat called out in front of the leader's den. "Aspenstar? I...I need to talk to you," he murmured, shifting his paws uncomfortably.
"Come in, then." Aspenstar looked up at the tom as he entered. "What is it you need to talk to me about?"
"It's about Raventail's death," the tom whispered quietly. His tail tip flicked, and his paws quivered as a memory flashed across his eyes.
Aspenstar tilted her head. "I see. What about his death?"
"I think I know who killed him."
"Who? Was it a Windclan cat?" Aspenstar asked.
"N-No," the tom murmured. He glanced behind his back at the den entrance, as if he was expecting someone to appear.
"Is something alright?" Aspenstar asked, looking over the tom's shoulder. The tom drew in a shaky breath.
"It's not safe here. It wasn't a Windclan cat, it's a Thunderclan cat. There is a murderer in this camp."
Aspenstar's eyes widened. "Who is it?" she whispered, leaning closer toward the black and white tom.
"It's O-" A loud wail cut him off. Aspenstar quickly ran outside, leaving the black and white tom shaking. He slowly followed his leader. He was greeted by the sight of Bluetail, one of the queens. She was clearly panic-stricken.
"What happened?" Aspenstar asked Bluetail gently.
"My...My kits! They're gone!" She wailed louder. Alderclaw rushed to her side, pressing himself comfortingly against his mate's side.
Aspenstar looked up as the cats began to slowly creep out from the dens.
"Has anyone seen what happened to Bluetail's kits?"
"I have," Oakclaw answered, stepping forward. Aspenstar lightly flicked her ear. "I had gotten up to go to the dirt place, when I smelled their scent. They had escaped the camp. Of course, I followed them. But by the time I caught up with them, it was too late. They had been murdered." Oakclaw looked around the camp, before resting her eyes on Aspenstar once more. "They were killed on the Windclan border." Gasps of surprise sounded throughout the camp, broken by a long, piercing wail.
"We have to attack Windclan! That's the second time Windclan has killed our cats!" Rockfang growled, staring at Aspenstar. Cries of agreement rose up around him.
"Now, now," Aspenstar tried to quiet the clan, but to no avail. "Silence!" she yowled. The voices died down. "We don't know for certain that it was Windclan. There could just be a rogue who lives around the Windclan border who is killing these cats. We do not have full proof that it is Windclan. We will not attack," she glared at Rockfang, "until we know for certain that it is Windclan."
Aspenstar glanced at the black and white tom who had crept down to join his classmates. She scanned the crowd, trying to find who may have killed Raventail. She didn't manage to hear what the tom had said, due to the loud wail that had cut him off.
She failed to notice the brown tabby she-cat who was staring intently at the black and white tom, her eyes narrowed, claws slightly unsheathed.
Oh, this is very nice! I like it very much so far, just to say. But anyways:
1. You have minimal grammar and spelling errors, and the pacing is very good; it's not too fast, and it's not too slow. I would not recommend adding more detail. Keep it up! (Er, minor mistake though, in Warriors the word clan is written with c in uppercase so like ThunderClan, WindClan)
2. Some research should be done about the decomposition of the body, though! I don't know how long it takes for a cat's body to start smelling due to a lack of sources, but since the patrol left that morning and Tipfoot was killed the night before I'm guessing the time gap is around six hours. A (human) corpse will start to smell from anywhere between a few hours to a few days, and ~6 hours is about closer to, well, a few hours. It'll probably start reeking after more than half a day. Research is important when writing! It is true that a cat's nose is very sensitive and they have a superior sense of smell, I'll give you props for that. But just consider the weather and temperature and the environment the characters are in. The colder it is, the slower it'll decompose. Which leads me to another point:
3. I don't know what the setting is other than that it's the canon Clans but the weather and factors in the environment should also be written in the story. You haven't really introduced the setting that well, so you should take more care into describing where they are. Due to the pacing, however, try and make it a bit subtle (something like "He dashed through the undergrowth of the forest, his paws leading him to the entrance of ThunderClan camp" for example).
4. As previously mentioned, cats have a very good sense of smell. I'm surprised that the cats haven't been able to tell that the murderer is Oakclaw yet, except that tom (I'm guessing it's Tipfoot lol who was murdered in the beginning.) HOWEVER, this isn't a bad thing at all if you take it into the right direction. It shows that Oakclaw is a very clever and careful character, and an expert at lying. Don't overdo it, though; Oakclaw can't keep murdering cats in the same way because the story will get very predictable and even for the characters, so spice things up a bit.
Post by Silver Iridescence on Oct 5, 2015 10:12:51 GMT -5
USERNAME: Solis PRIVATE HELP? YES/NO: No, I'm fine with it being public. EXCERPT: Here's the link to the entire story: untoldtales.proboards.com/thread/30040/endless-short-story (It's separated into parts and those parts sometimes have sub-parts, it made it easier to organize, and the excerpt is from a sub-part in Part 2 and then it skips into Part 3)
Morning light illuminated the frontal stretches of the cave in golden splendor.
Crisp autumn air poured in through the entrance, and I sat up, blinking. I stood and made my way calmly to the entrance of the cave.
Every day, every night, was near to the same thing. Suddenly I noticed something high in the air- a bird? It was large enough that most humans would've taken cover for fear of an attack, but my kind didn't have that kind of fear. It was a side effect that took much of the excitement from life- the will to survive. We couldn't really be killed and there was no way to halt our fading, so we just accepted our fate- most of us- and went on with our dulling lives without care of anything.
It was more exhausting than living in the real world, struggling, that is, knowing that there was much more out there, and having experienced the richness of it, and it being so close to you but so far from your reach. We were the unfortunate recipients of an unconditional curse. It struck at random, and there was no cure. Hardly any of the humans even cared. At least, they tried not to, to keep themselves from stressing over it, but they did pity us and loathed the idea of becoming one of us.
The birdlike being dropped close enough to me that I could barely discern what it was. An airborne feline, soaring through the wind currents as if it were a dolphin in water. It looked much like a cougar but with the hooked beak of a hawk and the great wings of one. These wings were gigantic and as strong as spider silk with iron weaved into the very fibers, since to hold up such a large animal they had to be. Its claws were talonlike, and when the beak opened it showed jagged teeth. The creature had no tail, since to be able to fly it would need the necessary (and large) tail feathers. The feral creature reminded me that we, the Forgotten, were the single only beings in existence that couldn't enjoy many aspects of the life taken from us, and wished we could have the same drive for living as others. We wanted to continue existing, even in this state, but there was nothing we could do to change the inevitable, so we couldn't even do that.
I didn't know what kept me from going insane, or something close to it. It could've been the sliver of hope I still clung to. I had accepted what was going to happen to me, but I still left room for hope. I was beginning to piece together exactly who I'd been before I'd become what I was- I'd been restless, always seeking for excitement, doing anything and everything that would either catch others' attention or entertain myself. I still cared about others, but I was more selfish than I'd normally admit. I still couldn't recall my name, but I knew I would soon.
But now... I felt that my, though difficult, acceptance of the future had made me more serene, and more empathetic. If only I could exist long enough to let my somewhat improved self go out into the world and actually do a little good, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. And I accepted it. I probably remained a little too calm about everything now, even to the point of indifference, though I knew things could, possibly, change, it was in the back of my mind. I was still not without my faults.
But I accepted that as well.
-Here's a skip ahead that wasn't in the story. Athi's a little girl who met the main character in part 2, she's a Forgotten, but recently. I hope this excerpt kind of explains my idea enough-
Lost Home
The next place we voyaged to was the actual city, to compare Athi with normal humans. First of all, she tried speaking with those she recognized. There were few, since she wasn't even meant to remember them, but there were some. “It's Athi,” She told them, but none heard.
After not a long time we gave up and tried thinking of ways to lead a human to a known place of a void. To our apparent field of thought, there was none. We moved on.
“Why do Forgotten become Forgotten?”
“Because all ties to their past are severed,” Was my immediate response.
“Well... Why would one be different, then?”
“They... Had a stronger legacy?”
“Exactly.”
“But you're nine.”
“I can still be remembered,” She sniffed. “Everyone ceased to know about me, but after I started the process of being a Forgotten, a name started to echo in their minds, they began to recall a little girl who had somehow impacted their lives. My parents should begin to piece them together by no-”
“Wait. Your parents? They're still alive?”
She looked away. “Yes,” She whispered quietly.
“How?”
“I ran away.”
“Why?”
“It was a few years ago. I was foolish. I didn't understand how my actions could effect the consequences of my life and how it would effect my parents, and I wanted to see the world without a burden, I didn't want to work on the farm or in the mines when I was older, and I didn't want to deal with taking part in a household. Over time, as I began to miss them, they forgot me. Now I'm their lost little girl they know is never coming home...” She trailed off, tears gathering in her eyes.
She leaned against me, and I awkwardly put an arm around her. I'd never had younger siblings, but I did feel pity and wanted to comfort her.
That was why she seemed so independent. That was why she was somewhat more mature than others in her age. But she wasn't really meant to be this way, and she knew that. The reason behind it was what made her cry with hopelessness, since she couldn't call on her parents to help her in her search for a path to find her way home. Her heart ached for longing just to see them again, and for them to know that she was there.
I had to hold her for a long time, knowing that she had begun to see me as a kind of older sister, a kind of guardian from the world. A friend when all had mistakenly deserted her.
My soul had started to hunger for another way to making this bleak fading full of life. For a way to know I helped the world move on while I passed out of it. She let me know that there was another way, somewhere out there, and that we had to believe in it instead of accept that we were probably never going to find it.
“I'm here now,” I whispered finally. “I'll help you. I'll protect you. All until we find the way to become remembered again.”
Athi nodded a little. Silence fell once again. Then Athi moved away from me. “We should keep going,” She told me, voice trembling and soft. I nodded, and we continued walking.
