Warning: this fiction is more like Warriors spin-off with original characters. The plot may contain violent scenes. Don't read this if you are disturbed easily.
I'm writing this to improve my English... and to simply tell my story. Enjoy.
PROLOGUE
Every cat in the city knew that BloodClan has gone too far. Yesterday three of those savages killed elderly dying cats named Gizmo and Reena just for fun. These murders shocked nearly everyone who was out of Clan folks, and if they thought that this is inappropriate, cats-in-teeth-collars seemed to think otherwise.
‘We’ve helped them’, - snapped Ray, the Clan so-called leader who has brought even more cruelty into the gang and the one who participated in the murders, when somebody asked him about what they’ve done. ‘They would die anyway. Have you ever seen their toothless mouths?! They were already starved when my healthy fangs tore their flabby bodies! I can show you how it was’, - this barbarian started to hiss intentionally to startle the one who asked. This worked perfectly, and frightened curious kitten ran out of the giant box where this conversation has taken place.
Because of kitty’s loose tongue, Ray’s words have spread all over city. Some of the cats were frightened, some thought that BloodClan should finally pay for their deeds in both past and present, but no one wanted to mess with them – it would be difficult to confront battle-skilled warriors with sharp teeth and fangs.
But the tables turned.
Seven days later, Ray’s dead body was found near his sleeping box. No one knew how did he die, but his body wasn’t scarred or beaten.
Leader’s death has brought anarchy and more rioting into the places where cats lived. Unfortunately, he didn’t empower a deputy, and that’s why almost every adult Clan member wanted to rule and thought that he deserves dead Ray’s place. Who knew that his death would be even worse?
Because of that, no one noticed that city’s streets welcomed a bunch of new cats. No one knew where did they come from, but their appearance was uncommon for this place: almost every newcomer had short, sleek, ticked fur of a lighter color. They had slender and fine-boned bodies, their muzzles looked elegant, and their eyes were shining with curiosity and craftiness. Voices of new citizens were high and so gentle that everyone who has ever talked to them was charmed by their politeness and mystery. Of course, not every cat greeted strangers with open paws, but they surely weren’t afraid of them.
Surprisingly, this large group was soon interested in the strange city cats’ politics and decided to end BloodClan’s barbarism. What a ridiculous move that was! Many citizens started to mock this gang, but also much of them agreed to help with ending the BloodClan’s cruelty once and for all.
What could possibly go wrong?..
_____ Here's the prologue. I'm writing fanfic for the first time, so I'm open for critique! And if I have grammar mistakes, tell me - I will fix them.
Last Edit: Jan 20, 2021 9:28:28 GMT -5 by quickclaw: why do i notice typos way after i've finished :(
‘Sorry, didn’t hear ya properly. What did you just say, little guy?’
Sparrow was going to join the Sangueblu squad (what an awkward name!) which consisted of newcomers who wanted to get rid of gruesome BloodClan, and he knew that his father, Ripple, would be surprised at this fact.
‘I want to be the one of the Sangueblus’, repeated little gray-and-white tom who barely was a year old.
Ripple remained silent, and this meant that he wants to hear the reason why is his one and only son is craving for some new dangerous activities. Sparrow sighed.
‘Well’, started he, rolling his long tail around his little paws, ‘I barely remember my little brother who was taken away by BloodClan when we were little… Since no one has ever seen him from this day, I want to avenge him.’
‘That’s the point – ya barely remember him’, an elder gray-and-white cat narrowed his eyes. He perfectly knew that the reason is different – his son wasn’t evil at all, and, to be honest, he lacked in righteousness.
Sparrow looked down. Ripple was right.
‘I want to be a part of something big’, he hoped that he would be understood. ‘But I don’t want to be in BloodClan… I never wanted. They’re mean, but I am not. I want my life to be lived for something important’, his meowing went quieter and quieter with every word. Would dad appreciate this? He didn’t know.
And Ripple didn’t know it, too. On the one paw, he learnt that his kitten is braver than he thought. But on the other… Confronting a giant gang is very dangerous. What if he won’t get lucky? What if he will die from fatal wounds? What if… Oh, better not to think about those “what if” unless you want to get a heart attack.
Sparrow didn’t speak anymore. He was waiting for dad’s response. He wasn’t sure that his decision was good, but it definitely wasn’t terrible – he wasn’t going to kill, but if he would, it would be in the name of justice!
‘Are ya sure?’
Silence. Ripple was a good father, and his relationship with Sparrow was almost ideal, so these words were close to hurting young cat. Dad doesn’t believe in him! Or maybe he does, but…
‘I am’.
The time seemed to go ten times slower than it should be. Younger one tried to look a bit more confident, but failed – his tail, twitching from worry, was showing his true emotions.
Ripple’s fur slightly went up.
‘Then go’.
What did Sparrow just hear? His father didn’t try to stop him anymore, and that was a little victory. However, those words were said so calmly that they seemed to be said with disappointment. Cat moved a bit closer to an elder.
‘Dad?’
‘Huh?’ older cat looked at his slim son. ‘Ain’t ya hear?’
‘I did.’
‘If ya think that I’m disappointed, ya’re wrong’, grunted Ripple. ‘Just go. I appreciate yar courage’.
Sparrow sat still where he was.
‘I love ya, youngster, go or I will change my elder mind!’ he gently pushed Sparrow into his shoulder making him shake. Son stood up and quickly ran away into the streets without a proper farewell. He thought that father wouldn’t let him go if he didn’t run, which was absolutely strange because dad was very quick at making decisions that don’t change at all, but cat was overwhelmed with emotions which he couldn’t recognize, so it was better not to blame his a bit childish mind. Who said they will never meet again?
The weather was so nice that Sparrow became even more confident with his little dream. Sun was making his light coat warm, so he decided to go into a shadow of a big oak which was standing alone near the wood bench. Twolegs didn’t pay attention to him, and that was nice – he didn’t like their behavior and some Twolegs could be dangerous. He remembered the rumor that Ray could die because of poisonous food they give to cats… What a dumb giant Ray was! He was one of the toughest cats in the city, how could he die because of the thing that even smells awful?
Talking about eating… Sparrow felt his stomach aching from hunger. The best place for eating was nearby park where cats could hunt pigeons, so he went there. Also he remembered that strangers are often seen eating those, maybe he’ll run into one today and ask whether he can became one of them.
After a not so long walk and eating juicy prey, Sparrow barely conquered the will to sleep. He heard that Sangueblu gang usually appeared in sunny places and they were completely unaware of being noticed. Taking a nap would be nice, but what if sun will go away? No, he’d rather find one first.
Last Edit: Jan 20, 2021 12:08:59 GMT -5 by quickclaw
Post by Shadowrunner on Jan 20, 2021 12:06:50 GMT -5
its pretty good but there are few mistakes. like an obvious one is the last paragraph it says "Sparrow barely conquered the willing to sleep" that should be will, not willing.
This chapter contains a disturbing scene (however, it's not worse than in original Warriors books)! Chapter Two: A Bit Closer
Unfortunately, the sun suddenly stopped shining and hid its warm rays behind large storm clouds. That was a bad sign – not only for cats, but for Twolegs, too: the upcoming rain was ready to start, and it would definitely pause life of the whole city: of course, no one wanted to get wet or be struck by lightning, so everyone was looking for a good place to wait out bad weather.
So did Sparrow. He didn’t want to leave the park, so he thought that finding a nice little shelter here would be a good idea. Thinking about the mysterious newcomers, the youngster sniffed the air to catch an unusual smell before the storm begins. He knew that cats always mark their territory, so looking for them shouldn’t be difficult, he thought. Sparrow caught a faint smell of citruses which was awful indeed when it was strong, but in small amounts it wasn’t disturbing at all. Did Twolegs leave some fruits nearby? No, it’s not a season for them…
A low noise came out of the sky. It meant that Sparrow didn’t have any more spare time to find strangers, and storm will start very-very soon. Slightly wistful, cat slipped under the large box made from wood, which surely won’t let any raindrop fall on feline’s short fur. Well, at least a little shelter was found!
It started pouring. Small pits on the asphalt were full of water after four minutes of the thunderstorm, and now they looked like little lakes. The rain was so strong that wet ground couldn’t absorb any more water and started transforming into nasty slush. It will be a quest to get out from the park after the storm without getting any dirtstains on fur.
Sparrow couldn’t go out of the box, so he decided to use the opportunity to sleep without worrying about losing the strangers’ trail. What could he do? He surely wouldn’t go out in weather like this! Thinking about it, cat lied on asphalt and closed its pale green eyes. He didn’t find thunder frightening even as a kitten, so these scary and loud sounds were like a lullaby to him.
For how long did Sparrow sleep? He didn’t know, but it was nighttime when he awoke. Storm has ended an hour ago, so it was very quiet in the streets. After getting out of the box, Sparrow stretched his lean slim body and long paws and jogged towards the park again. It would be very nice to catch another pigeon, he thought, but he decided not to hunt until his stomach would whine from hunger again. The smell of rain has wiped out almost all other smells, and a slight citrus aroma disappeared, too.
The silence was broken by a car roar. Looking for light which was common to see from cars at nighttime, Sparrow saw a cat, standing by the road. Felines have good vision at night, so he saw its magnificent, but a bit ruffled fur which was gray… Or it wasn’t? Cat’s paws and fur on the bottom of the tail were pale ginger, and Sparrow thought that underbelly, chest and muzzle should be the same color. He was right: stranger looked away, so he could see their head. Feline’s eyes were lime-green and rheumy, but the pupil seemed to be cloudy. Cat’s face was ticked with pale gray.
‘This cat is an elder’, thought Sparrow, and he was absolutely right. He sniffed the air and caught citrus aroma. How interesting…
The lights were seen now. The black car was riding towards cats, and it could run into them if they won’t go away. Feeling his fur going up, gray-and-white tom called stranger.
‘Hey, you!’ he yowled, jumping to the side of road where car couldn’t hit him unless driver wanted to park here. Elder’s ear didn’t even move. Was that cat both blind and deaf?!
Sparrow muttered a mild swearing and jumped on the road again, but the lights completely scared him off for dear life, so he ran away. He didn’t remember anything else, but when he got over it, he realized that car was far away now. The stranger was lying on road. Trying not to die from fear and disgust, tom went to it. He hasn’t seen any cat dying before now, and this terrifying experience made him look like a ball of fur on four paws – the fright was so strong.
He could swear that elder was still breathing. Their body looked mangled, but no blood was seen on the asphalt. Big from dire pain, their eyes were rolled and the whites of them were seen. Unable to stand this anymore, Sparrow ran away into the bushes, his heart pounding fiercely. He wasn’t interested in the strangers now; he hasn’t got any thoughts at all, even hunger disappeared.
Completely terrified, Sparrow lied here for an hour or even more.
Last Edit: Jan 22, 2021 12:27:27 GMT -5 by quickclaw
Post by Shadowrunner on Jan 22, 2021 11:52:09 GMT -5
really good but a few grammar errors
"Unfortunately, the sun suddenly stopped shining and hided" it should be hid instead of hided "everyone was looking for a good place to wait out bad weather." should be 'the bad weather'
"Thinking about mysterious newcomers, youngster sniffed the air to catch an unusual smell before the storm begins." should be "the mysterious newcomers" and "the youngster", you leave out a lot of the word "the" in this story XD "Sparrow did caught a faint smell of citruses" should be "catch a faint smell" instead of caught, if you want to use the word caught then get rid of "did" "No, it’s not a season for them…" should be "the season for them" instead of "a season for them" also almost every time you say "strangers" there should be a "the" before it so:
"It meant that Sparrow didn’t have any more spare time to find strangers," "to sleep without worrying about losing strangers’ trail." " He was right: stranger looked away," "He wasn’t interested in strangers now; he hasn’t got any thoughts at all, even hunger disappeared." all of those should say "the" before the word stranger or strangers
Post by Shadowrunner on Jan 22, 2021 11:53:42 GMT -5
actually what you could do is make the story on microsoft word, which will tell you when something is wrong and you can right click the word thats underlined to see what it actually should be and then you could copy and paste it onto the post
