beech
Holiday Reindeer
Thanks for the 500 rep!
Posts: 27,609
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Post by beech on Jun 21, 2015 20:14:13 GMT -5
Chapter 5 was so difficult to read. XD
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Amberheart
Experienced Apprentice
The flashies have taken over the glitch board.
Posts: 43
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Post by Amberheart on Jun 21, 2015 20:15:54 GMT -5
I try my best. XD
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Post by Rarity on Jun 21, 2015 22:54:35 GMT -5
am I allowed to give critique on this not like legit critique but critique on how to make it more hilarious as a trollfic
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Amberheart
Experienced Apprentice
The flashies have taken over the glitch board.
Posts: 43
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Post by Amberheart on Jun 22, 2015 7:29:31 GMT -5
Of course! Thanks for the help!
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beech
Holiday Reindeer
Thanks for the 500 rep!
Posts: 27,609
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Post by beech on Jun 22, 2015 11:37:42 GMT -5
I had a dream that you updated this for some reason. Should show you how much I like this fic. XD
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Awkward Potato
Holiday Reindeer
Steven Universh trash, and also furry trash
Posts: 8,121
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Post by Awkward Potato on Jun 22, 2015 15:38:50 GMT -5
DUN DUN DUUUUUN! Continue XD I think I lost a few brain cells XD
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Amberheart
Experienced Apprentice
The flashies have taken over the glitch board.
Posts: 43
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Post by Amberheart on Jun 22, 2015 15:45:43 GMT -5
Thanks for the comments! I will update this tonight!
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Post by Rarity on Jun 22, 2015 16:37:10 GMT -5
Of course! Thanks for the help! ok cool it's a big post so I threw it in a spoiler so Proboards doesn't try to explode. -First of all, with each chapter the fic has become more incomprehensible and more of a chore to read. Rather than being funny it becomes closer to irritating. The errors are much to obvious and it's so difficult to read it's not usually worth it. As opposed to gradually becoming nigh impossible to read, I'd suggest changing the kind of errors you have. Rather than a random error, have errors like text talk or phrases that 'lol' that make it look like it was written by someone with no distinction between common grammar and the grammar accepted when texting or chatting online. Having more "small" errors like lapses in correct grammar (like with punctuation and smaller misspellings) would help with the readability while still being written poorly (in a good way of course). -Would also recommend a few funny misspellings that turn words into completely different words, but I'll excuse a lack of this since the forum rules make this a challenge in a lot of cases. Ratstar becoming Bratstar is a good example, as well as the caps lock, but the rest of the (paragraph?) is overdone. -Would also suggest leaving the 1!!!111!1 stuff for really big exclamations, for when ! isn't enough. Too much hurts the hilarity IMO. -Have at least a couple of stable sentences, they can be pretty amusing when done right. The most well known line in Starkits Prophecy is also the only one that's fully legible. -Most of these suggestions are to make it look more like the poor grammar is an awful, awful mistake. The point of most trollfics is to not be completely obvious and some of them look like straight up bad fanfic rather than intentionally funny fic. Since this one is outright stated to be a trollfic that's thrown completely out the window but I do think some subtle errors would help. -Using random Japanese words actually can make it look more like an unintentionally bad fic (which to some are funnier because they're unlikely to be too over the top as a result of being unintentional). Careful not to use them too much, but this isn't actually an issue yet. If you want some silly spellings you can look for some similarly spelled words but in this case it's probably not necessary. -May be worth making some sentences that are extra hilarious when read aloud. "Blustra apeared" is a good example of this. Sometimes the hilarity in a sentence is the way it sounds when said out loud. -Overall I'd say try to have some errors that look more like rookie mistakes rather than full blown trainwrecks. The latter may be colorful and interesting, but the former can be funny when the correct things are misplaced, misused or forgotten. Making it look like a naive 12 year old new to the internet wrote it is one approach (but not the only one).
Plotwise + Characters: -Plot is standard, SC attacks TC because the new kittens are so adorable SC wants to steal them and fights happen and blah blah. Not really new, not particularly interesting, but since all of the chapters so far are short I can't really say this is a bad thing. I'm hoping it's a set up for something more grand. -I'll give you points for not making fun of any serious, real life problems. -I'd suggest against any general offensive or sensitive topics, actually. The fic seems to take inspiration from Starkits Prophecy, which couldn't contain itself with Stargleam's asinine tangents. Having obviously wrong characters is fine, having them represent a real religion is not. You've avoided this issue so far. -Names like Ratscar are too over the top (assuming that's not supposed to be Ratstar). I'll excuse Moonkit since that prefix actually exists in canon, which actually makes it perfect for the average sue Moonkit is setting up to be as it's obviously a special name (celestial bodies are usually associated with Starclan and are typically not given to all cats) but it can't be refuted using canon as an example. Moonflower is the cat with moon- prefix, for anyone that doesn't know. Bluestar's mother. -Moon on the forehead is pushing it but I would love if some kind of explanation came up later. It's not really that bad considering the popular headcanon of leaders having stars on their forehead, but I wanted to point out that it'd be nice if you did something with it later. -is the pink cat hairless or is their fur just straight up crayon pink -Blackstar is quite obviously out of character (to the point where I honestly think you should have used a different SC leader because you used basically the only benign one) and I think it hurts the fic. Bluestar is pretty nutty as well, even with the excuse of her last days in the Original Series it's pretty bizarre. She functions much like Goosefeather (read: Bluestar's Prophecy) would have, which is a nice start for humor but I feel it's applied to the wrong character. The rest of the canon cats are acceptable, though completely flat. -Character development is something I'd kind of like to see. It'd set apart this trollfic from the others and would give the cast more variety, which might actually give more variety in the kinds of silliness you can apply to add humor.
Other Points: -My Inner Life is probably a good example of a hilariously bad fanfic that uses bad figurative language and slight grammatical errors. It's also got behemoth paragraphs and some people find it more painful than funny. It's NSFW but it's worth looking at the first chapter at least to see how the grammar looks. -Starkits Prophecy seems like the obvious inspiration, but as long as they don't end up nearly identical that's fine. -Hidden Prophecies is an excellent example of subtle grammar errors but ridiculous scenarios. It really does look like an imaginative 10 year old trying their best, until the violence that is. -"Blustra apeared" from chapter 3 is the funniest sentence I've read all week. beautiful
Overall it's certainly not bad as a trollfic, but is merely average. It doesn't hit sensitive spots or completely destroy the character of canon cats, but it doesn't have the memorable antics that popular trollfics have. A few edits to the way you go about destroying the English language and perhaps a few twists to the typical Mary Sue + trollfic combination and you'd have a really solid trollfic. If it's worth noting at all I actually like this trollfic, mainly because of the potential it has and a few clever ideas here and there.
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Amberheart
Experienced Apprentice
The flashies have taken over the glitch board.
Posts: 43
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Post by Amberheart on Jun 22, 2015 19:43:33 GMT -5
Thanks for the post Rarity! I have replies to a few of your comments (WARNING: understatement) below.
Thanks for the comment! I definitely agree with you here looking back at the fic, it's at the point where it's very over the top with the errors. These tips will really help with Chapter 6! [rubs hands together while laughing evilly]
Yep, this was something I had already thought about while writing. Making every word (well, most) misspelled was not the best decision on my part, and this something I need to improve upon!
Yesh. The reason I stated it outright was to avoid any possible trouble with the mods, but if I post it somewhere else (maybe someday?) I'll probably not make it as obvious. I do want to make it believable besides this, just for the humor of it.
Thank you! This is the kind of advice I was hoping for!
The pressure, the pressure! JK, I definitely have something good in store. [rubs hands together while laughing evilly again]
I'm a Christian, so I'll definitely avoid any of this. That was the one thing that drove me crazy about Starkit's Prophecy.
Ratscar is an actual canon character, though the magic scar thing was slightly Harry Potter-inspired randomness. Though canon is hardly the most reliable source of information XD
Hairless would be interesting, and perhaps less clichéd, though I originally intended it to be crayon pink. Hmm...
You have a point. I'm not sure how to fix the Bluestar/Blackstar issue exactly. I could switch out Bluestar with someone else easily enough, but since this fic sorta happens around Power of Three/Omen of the Stars it would require switching a lot of characters to other characters. This is one of those things that I need guidance on.
It's novel for trollfics, yes, but I'm not sure how I would do it while maintaining the silliness. Any tips?
Haha thanks.
My StarClan, I should have put this in spoilers. Too lazy XD
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Post by Rarity on Jun 22, 2015 21:33:22 GMT -5
Glad to have helped :3
I haven't read the books in forever, so my apologies for that one. I thought Heavystep was the most ridiculous canon name but clearly I was wrong lol. In this case you're fine on names so far since the only over the top one isn't even your fault lol And yeah canon has a lot of awful names. Moonflower is only a weak name because one of the Erins stated that they weren't going to use it as a prefix at all, until they went back on that and gave it to a supporting character of all things. 10/10 writing
hairless crayon pink cat :v
Bluestar can easily be replaced by any fan character. Only fitting canon character is probably dead in PoT/OotS. Not sure on Blackstar, though if a reason were given from his point of view then it'd work. From TC's POV they just assumed he wanted the kits because they were cute after all. I mean, maybe Blackstar thought the kits would start a long lasting tyranny. Maybe TC did something that drove him a little too far. These are just a few possibilities, could easily think of any reason.
Well, even Stargleam had development in her story. Just really haphazard, awkward development that made absolutely no sense. How you handle the development would depend on how self-aware the fic is. It may be worth noting that assuming Moonkit is intended to become a Mary Sue, it's worth noting that Mary Sues are defined not by their individual traits but how their existence warps the story and the cast. It's all about how others treat her, and her limits based on whether or not she belongs in the story's universe. I like to think she has a power like Jayfeather and Lionblaze, and in her case it just happens to be something that makes her a Mary Sue. As in literally being able to bend the story to her will or something. That's just a potential idea though. Kind of hard to give tips on that, since it's a unique case though. Having actual character development is hard to explain in a setting where intentionally bad writing is what dictates how the story goes. I'm sure you'll think of something though, it's limitless what you can do. I just have no ideas lol
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Amberheart
Experienced Apprentice
The flashies have taken over the glitch board.
Posts: 43
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Post by Amberheart on Jun 22, 2015 22:48:51 GMT -5
Thanks for replying!
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Post by Rarity on Jun 23, 2015 1:05:43 GMT -5
Thanks for replying! No problem. If you like, I can do a chapter by chapter analysis once the sixth one comes out (not that it'd take very long to do them given the length of each chapter lol).
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Amberheart
Experienced Apprentice
The flashies have taken over the glitch board.
Posts: 43
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Post by Amberheart on Jun 23, 2015 7:26:50 GMT -5
That would be awesome! I'm working on the sixth one right now.
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Amberheart
Experienced Apprentice
The flashies have taken over the glitch board.
Posts: 43
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Post by Amberheart on Jun 23, 2015 8:32:02 GMT -5
Sorry for all the short chapters! I guess I need to put more into each chapter instead of just one event.
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Post by 🎄Vegan the Festive Goat🎄 on Jun 23, 2015 12:01:52 GMT -5
Best thing ever! Oh I'm sorry:
Bets thank evah11!!;11
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