Post by Bluebolt on Jan 11, 2016 2:49:03 GMT -5
Hello, my name is Bluebolt. I've been on this forum for quite a while, though I was absent for about a year. I wanted to just.. Write a little something about myself. Let some things out, you know?
Keeping with Falconstar's rules, I'm going to try to keep this appropriate. However, if you are sensitive to dark things, then this is a trigger warning. Don't read ahead if you're very sensitive/easily upset. I'd hate to make someone sad..
I'm 14 years old -- my age on here says 15 because it didn't let me put 2001. I'm 90lbs, 20 pounds underweight. My hair is auburn, I'm very pale, and I'm about 5'3" tall. I'm nearsighted, but I rarely use my glasses. I'm in grade ten, and I'm British. Some forumers have seen me, but I think they all moved on.
I'm actually known by LunarWhite, White, WhiteyWoo or WhiteDevilo throughout the rest of the internet. Only WC:UT knows me as Bluebolt. My original warriors OC was Whitepaw of Moonclan/Rogueclan, who later became Whitetail.
I got into warrior cats in grade five. I had two online friends, Moonstar and Rainbowcloud. These two girls meant the world to me. We first met on Dino Run, using the chat there to talk. However, we found that it was too crowded, so we moved on to a site called Voxli.
Voxli shut down, not too long after we went there. I have not seen Moonstar or Rainbowcloud since, despite trying to find them.
I went back to Dino Run, and met a girl called Cyrentilia. Cyren and I became very close, and moved to a site called xat. Here, I met Nadir, Lucia, Bird, Eres, Rapunzel, Gosuto, Tora, Flame, and most importantly, Spade and Ract.
Spade died about a six months after I met her. She was killed in a car crash. She was the sister of Nadir, who I dated.
In memory of her, I name all of my Ninetales' in any game Spade. I also wear a blue pendant every day.
Ract was killed a few years later. He was Nadir's brother. I cannot put the details of his death here. He.. He was.. Amazing..
.. Moving on. I stayed very close to my friends who remained alive, but met a girl called Trinity. Trinity introduced me to Shade, and years later, Dusk.
Back in real life, I was struggling. I could only talk to my internet friends from my mother's house -- but I hate my mother. Eventually, I stopped seeing her completely.
I lost contact with all of my internet friends, except for a guy called Kai, Shade, my boyfriend Seth, and Trinity.
Trinity introduced me to a guy called Dusk. And.. What can I say? I loved him. His cheesy lines, his banter, his sense of humour.. It was intoxicating. We ended up dating, but only five months later, we fell apart.
My parents are divorced. I am afraid of commitment in a relationship, and couldn't handle being with Dusk. We tried being a couple around New Year's, but it fell apart after a few days. Because of me.
This is where it gets dark. I'm warning you again.
Back in grade six, when I was upset, I would leave the room, go to the bathroom, and sob. I didn't have any friends I could talk to, and my parents' divorce had broken my heart. I would claw at my arms until my skin was raw.
I was still clawing myself in grade seven.
I was scratching myself with thorns and pins in grade eight.
I learned how to remove blades from razors and pencil sharpeners in grade nine.
Do you see where this has gone?
Harming yourself is disgusting. It's pathetic. Nobody should ever deliberately harm your body, especially you.
But, people get metal health problems. People sink into deep habits. People can't control themselves.
Especially me.
I resent myself. I am not a good person. I've been told that I am scum, that I suck the happiness out of people, that I'm stressful, a burden, and that if I want to feel pain then I should cut myself.
I've had people fake their deaths to spite me, cut themselves open because "I thought you'd like it," and I've had people rip me apart and stamp on my heart. Sometimes, more than once.
I am not a happy person.
But I love it when other people are happy. So even though I cry myself to sleep, even though I have to make makeshift bandages out of tissues at night, and even though I have to spend weeks trying to find clothes with long sleeves, I still try to keep the people around me happy.
And lately, I've been a total failure. I've messed up more relationships than I can bear to count.
Look, I don't know where I was going with this. I just desperately needed to get this out.
I don't want pity. I want a healthy release of all these bitterness inside of me. Because I feel. So. Dead.
.. I'm so, so sorry to everybody that I've wronged.
.. Please take care, everyone, and have a nice day.
--This is only a portion of my story. If you want details, ask me in PM, I guess. To the mods, if you want me to take this down because it's not appropriate, I'll do so quite happily. Thank you.--
Keeping with Falconstar's rules, I'm going to try to keep this appropriate. However, if you are sensitive to dark things, then this is a trigger warning. Don't read ahead if you're very sensitive/easily upset. I'd hate to make someone sad..
I'm 14 years old -- my age on here says 15 because it didn't let me put 2001. I'm 90lbs, 20 pounds underweight. My hair is auburn, I'm very pale, and I'm about 5'3" tall. I'm nearsighted, but I rarely use my glasses. I'm in grade ten, and I'm British. Some forumers have seen me, but I think they all moved on.
I'm actually known by LunarWhite, White, WhiteyWoo or WhiteDevilo throughout the rest of the internet. Only WC:UT knows me as Bluebolt. My original warriors OC was Whitepaw of Moonclan/Rogueclan, who later became Whitetail.
I got into warrior cats in grade five. I had two online friends, Moonstar and Rainbowcloud. These two girls meant the world to me. We first met on Dino Run, using the chat there to talk. However, we found that it was too crowded, so we moved on to a site called Voxli.
Voxli shut down, not too long after we went there. I have not seen Moonstar or Rainbowcloud since, despite trying to find them.
I went back to Dino Run, and met a girl called Cyrentilia. Cyren and I became very close, and moved to a site called xat. Here, I met Nadir, Lucia, Bird, Eres, Rapunzel, Gosuto, Tora, Flame, and most importantly, Spade and Ract.
Spade died about a six months after I met her. She was killed in a car crash. She was the sister of Nadir, who I dated.
In memory of her, I name all of my Ninetales' in any game Spade. I also wear a blue pendant every day.
Ract was killed a few years later. He was Nadir's brother. I cannot put the details of his death here. He.. He was.. Amazing..
.. Moving on. I stayed very close to my friends who remained alive, but met a girl called Trinity. Trinity introduced me to Shade, and years later, Dusk.
Back in real life, I was struggling. I could only talk to my internet friends from my mother's house -- but I hate my mother. Eventually, I stopped seeing her completely.
I lost contact with all of my internet friends, except for a guy called Kai, Shade, my boyfriend Seth, and Trinity.
Trinity introduced me to a guy called Dusk. And.. What can I say? I loved him. His cheesy lines, his banter, his sense of humour.. It was intoxicating. We ended up dating, but only five months later, we fell apart.
My parents are divorced. I am afraid of commitment in a relationship, and couldn't handle being with Dusk. We tried being a couple around New Year's, but it fell apart after a few days. Because of me.
This is where it gets dark. I'm warning you again.
Back in grade six, when I was upset, I would leave the room, go to the bathroom, and sob. I didn't have any friends I could talk to, and my parents' divorce had broken my heart. I would claw at my arms until my skin was raw.
I was still clawing myself in grade seven.
I was scratching myself with thorns and pins in grade eight.
I learned how to remove blades from razors and pencil sharpeners in grade nine.
Do you see where this has gone?
Harming yourself is disgusting. It's pathetic. Nobody should ever deliberately harm your body, especially you.
But, people get metal health problems. People sink into deep habits. People can't control themselves.
Especially me.
I resent myself. I am not a good person. I've been told that I am scum, that I suck the happiness out of people, that I'm stressful, a burden, and that if I want to feel pain then I should cut myself.
I've had people fake their deaths to spite me, cut themselves open because "I thought you'd like it," and I've had people rip me apart and stamp on my heart. Sometimes, more than once.
I am not a happy person.
But I love it when other people are happy. So even though I cry myself to sleep, even though I have to make makeshift bandages out of tissues at night, and even though I have to spend weeks trying to find clothes with long sleeves, I still try to keep the people around me happy.
And lately, I've been a total failure. I've messed up more relationships than I can bear to count.
Look, I don't know where I was going with this. I just desperately needed to get this out.
I don't want pity. I want a healthy release of all these bitterness inside of me. Because I feel. So. Dead.
.. I'm so, so sorry to everybody that I've wronged.
.. Please take care, everyone, and have a nice day.
--This is only a portion of my story. If you want details, ask me in PM, I guess. To the mods, if you want me to take this down because it's not appropriate, I'll do so quite happily. Thank you.--
