*This is a forum game, but I thought it would be better suited here than in the Off-Topic Games section. If any mods feel that this is a misplaced thread, feel free to whisk it away.
The predecessor to this thread is here. I had no part in making the original thread, but I figured that the game could be revived without much hassle. If OP isn't alright with this, then the thread won't continue.
That being said, this thread follows the rules of the original. Its premise is simple: you post a section of your own writing, and the next user ranks it on a 1-10 scale, and includes their writing for the next poster, etc.
Rules:
Whatever you post must be your own original writing. (Why post someone else's creation anyway?)
I don't think this will be an issue, but please don't swear in your post. I'm aware that swear words can enhance the atmosphere of a work, but I'm equally certain that everyone is capable of producing without the use of profanity, and that, above all, this is a website home to younger users.
Please don't write about any super heavy topics- you know the ones. The kind that wouldn't be allowed anywhere else in the forum also aren't allowed here.
Be considerate of other users. I realize that the 1-10 ranking scale isn't the best, but it's the easiest format to follow. Now, realistically, not everybody will think that all stories are a perfect ten, and that's just fine. However, if you're going to say something deserves a 1/10 (I sure hope not!), then it had better be with sound justification to back it up.
When you're judging a post, the focal point of your judgement should be content quality; not everyone is the world's best speller. Perfect spelling and grammar does not a good read make (ex. Cormac McCarthy's "All the Pretty Horses", which featured 0 apostrophes or quotation marks for dialogue.) Obviously if it reads like your cat took a nap on the keyboard, then kindly point it out to them.
Don't take these numerical judgements too hard. Even if someone says your writing is trash (which would be a flagrant violation of forum policy, not to mention downright rude), it's probably... recycling.
Put good in, get good out. I don't mean to sound like a juice company slogan, but it's true; if your writing demonstrates minimal effort, then the next person isn't going to have a lot to go off of as far as ratings go.
Also, for people rating: try and at least add some justification for your rating. It doesn't have to be a page of criticisms, but also don't pretend to be IGN.
[/ul] Also, please post especially long stories under a spoiler. I'd say that anything within the ballpark of more than one paragraph warrants a spoiler. This is just to keep the page from getting too clogged up with content.
Enjoy yourselves. I don't really feel right in being the first one to post a story, so that title is up for grabs.
Last Edit: Jun 7, 2016 21:20:02 GMT -5 by Fruity: proboards has fantastic formatting (read: not really)
Nassir stopped walking and looked over at the other, a confused look on his face. Okay. The other didn't want to know his name. Maybe next time he should ask if they cared? That seemed like a good idea. At the wolf's next words, the little cub froze. He doesn't fit in the world? He had just hatched, surely everyone who just hatched fits? Right? What if not everyone who hatched fit? Did they need to do something? Did he need to become stronger? He'd train, he'd train if he had to! He'd walk every day. He'd do whatever he had to to be strong, to fit in the world!
For now, Nassir didn't really want to do anything in front of the other. They would just be rude to him! Was everyone like that? Or was he a special case, the other, or him? Was everyone treated this way? Did he need to start being mean too? He didn't like that idea. He wanted to feel safe, and protected! Wouldn't everyone? Maybe the other didn't feel safe, or protected. Was that why they were like this? He thought about asking, but soon decided against it. He didn't want to hear more rude words in their direction.
So he continued walking. After some time, he began to try running. That ought to be even better, right? Maybe he'd get stronger faster that way! Maybe he'd even be able to impress the other. With that thought in mind, he crouched, and then leaped. He began to go as fast as his legs could carry him, running around in a circle a few times before he tripped over a trailing vine and fell, a huff of breath escaping him.
Post by taylormicrowave on Jun 20, 2016 14:47:54 GMT -5
8-8.5/10. you utilize a lot of short, "simple" sentences (not the definition of a simple sentence I think.. I just roll with English, I don't learn the complexities). you should try to branch out and make longer sentences and supplement them with more detailed adjectives and verbs, but concept wise I really like the premise! even if it was for an RP, it flows together nicely. (also hey splashy I miss u friend)
-------- this is something that could be in the story I've been working on for years but I just have never thought about doing it so I wrote it in this 90 degree weather while actually sobbing (: (putting under a spoiler cause I like the idea w/e)
Milky colored light danced on his azure irises as he began to gaze into the foggy colored night, boundless wonders racing through his mind. I knew this because he had told me, he had pulled me close and told me all of the idiosincracies that were jumbled throughout his tower of nerves inside. He had told me that he wanted a life far away from here, a new one, a one with endless possibilities and one where he would view the world differently. And as I looked at him there, I knew that he could do it. I was confident - maybe too confident - but I never could stop believing in him and his abilities. He was my best friend, he definitely was. I miss him.
Post by The Angry Unicorn on Jul 10, 2016 6:58:34 GMT -5
9/10 Its really descriptive and imaginative I can actually say this with confidence- I can sorta feel the emotion Not sure if its sound weird but I really don't have the words to describe this feeling O3O The only thing I could change ( and scolded by my teachers many times for doing >3>" ) is try reading it out loud, and if you find yourself out of breath, it probably means you didn't put enough full stops or commas in xP
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I never done this before but this is gonna be interesting! Instead of any old stuff I want to write one out of my head since its night time and I have so many ideas I need to let one out.
He's in his own little world again. He often does that, he would lay there on the couch, with his nuzzle on top of his paws, staring straight ahead. He would see things and chase them around the house. Things that I can't see. He's getting old, its natural, sometimes I tease him, I would playfully pounce on him while he's not mentally there, making him jump. I love him. and he loves me back, he would wait everyday for me to come home from work, we would sit at the kitchen, as I showed him new things. He hasn't seen everything yet, I want to take him around the world, I want him to meet the ocean. There, we would flick golden sand across as we ran, and play with the waves till the sun had sunk deep within the horizon, until his dark as night fur began to shining with gold. One day... One day... But his own little world. It had become more frequent now. Tomorrow. The Day. There are still things for him to see before he leave, there are many things to do. There are more things to give a go before the day ends. I should take him to the Beach, I should take him to see the great Canyons. I should let him met new dogs. But now its too late. I was in my room He was sleeping I was online. He was waiting. I was chatting.
(VV wow) I've always thought the world was just a dream. Everything is fake to me, but to everyone it seems real. Life feels like were all being controled. I never understood how life was just another ordinary nightmare.
The sun broke above the snowy mountains. The dew in the grass sparkled as a new day came apon the clans. Snow sparkled as the light shined against it. The clan awoke emerging from their dens slowly. Silence broke at the noise of kits playfully attacking eachother in the nursery.
"You can't catch me, Morningkit!" Teased an older kit in the nursery. Her fur shone in the light showing her true colors, but clumps of moss still sticked to her fur. A smaller kit ran out, and chased the older kit. "Berrykit!" Groaned the younger kit. Laughing came from the other clan cats watching them play in the snow. "Calm down, Young kits." Meowed a skinny, and old cat padding out of the warriors' den. Berrykit turned toward the older cat, and stuck her tongue at the cat. "You're not my mom, Raincloud!" She giggled, and chased Morningkit, which was the creamy-orange bi-color padding around in the melting snow.
"Kits these day." Smiled Raincloud heading towards the fresh kill pile for a morning bite. Berrykit spotted Poolingstar leap onto the high ledge. "Morningkit! I'm getting my apprentice ceremony!" She mewls excitedly. Berrykit barely could stay still. Suddenly, she spot the medicine cat talking with Poolingstar. She began to get curious. Berrykit padded up the hill, and carefully listened to what their medicine cat is saying. "I'm not sure who I want to become a medicine cat apprentice." Meowed the medicine cat. Poolingstar stared at her sharply. "You know your mentor hasn't died yet." Poolingstar laughed. The medicine cat spotted Berrykit suddenly. "Well, Berrykit is being terribly impatient, come on!" The medicine cat smiled at Poolingstar. Suddenly, Morningkit crept up behind Berrykit.
With a rather on a whim decision, Kallista decided she had to get away from Pisces. The area just filled her with too many memories, and she felt as though she needed a fresh start. Something new to start with. She walked until she came across Polaris, the heart of the caves. This seemed like as good a place as any to start over.
It was very colorful. She swung her head around, trying to take it all in. It would have been a lot easier if she had both eyes, but then again she wouldn't even be here if she had both. Alas, she did not, and she was here. She didn't know for how long. Maybe she'd stay here for the rest of her life. Or maybe go to other places. Places that weren't Pisces. For now, anyway. Maybe one day she'd return to the place she used to call home.
This place seemed silent, as if there was no sound. Maybe that was just because Kallista was used to the constant noise caused by the waterfall in Pisces. This place was also a lot drier. Whenever she took a step in Pisces, it was rather damp, but she had grown used to it. Just as she had grown used to the waterfall. And maybe, just maybe, she'd grow used to having only one eye. But it would take many cycles. She'd gone 6 cycles with two eyes, only to have it suddenly be taken away because someone couldn't control their urges to fight. Her eye narrowed at the thought.
She continued walking. As she walked, she couldn't help but think of Pisces. Of everything that had happened to her there. She had hatched, and went up to that waterfall. She could still clearly remember the day she met Todd. She didn't like him at first, especially considering he had somehow fallen into the pool at the bottom and she had to get him out. He always had a lot of trouble walking then, since the gem on his paw always caused him trouble. It seemed as though it no longer ever bothered him.
Kallista's mind drifted to when she found him later, hurt and injured. He had been so scared then. She had been concerned. The roles were later reversed, when he found her right after her battle. She had been scared and in so much pain, and he seemed concerned. She gave a slight smile at that, before shaking her head to get rid of those thoughts. She had to see if anyone was nearby. See if anyone would attack her. It seemed as though anyone she came across, anyone that wasn't Todd, could attack her.
She walked slowly, head swinging about as she looked for someone. She wasn't sure what she'd do if she came across someone. Would she go up to them? Would she run? Would they notice her first? Her mind swam with the different thoughts of what could happen. What if she came across the caracal again? Would they fight her so soon? Did they realize how much pain they caused her? How much pain had they caused others?
What if she came across someone else they had hurt?
Clouds moved swiftly across the dark sky with the moon flitting between them as the wind blew briskly across the forest. She spread her wings adjusting to the gusts that blew against her when a sudden down burst of wind pushed her body toward the ground. Being only a young dragon, she had yet to develop strength or breadth of wings to fight the gale. The land spun towards her as she fought to gain control of her decent. She tucked her crimson wings into her sides to release them from the play of the wind and sped towards the ground opening her wings at the last moment to break her fall. She then rolled with a tumble back to her feet and shook her head to clear the dizziness. Her beautiful golden eyes peered through the dark taking in her location. The tall grass slid across her sleek crimson scales as she walked toward bubbling sound of water. Her keen dragon hearing heard a rustling sound in the distance. She opened her wings slightly, but then closed them. The strong gusts of wind almost blew her off her feet, but she heard a rustle once again. She looked around, looking for whatever was hiding, or trying to get free.
boo I'm here
your girl ginger is here with another fabulous animal tales video
Post by The Angry Unicorn on Jul 10, 2016 20:03:46 GMT -5
8/10 It really pulls me in and wanna read more! Try reading it out loud sometimes I dislike making criticism and i'm not saying that it strange because I really love it! But I'm say there isn't that much pause in the few sentences in the beginning o3o
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I found this writing i did awhile back
List of Advice for my younger Sister ( some things are not necessarily true so plz don take it too seriously )
Despite your outgoing attitude towards life, your continuous complaints still surprised me, maybe you should start thinking about the good things in life. You continue to get our parents to let you play on devices when we told you off ( Brother and I), you play on it too much, you will end up depressed, start living out of the virtual world, before you become an Anti-Social. I've been online long enough to know it on the palm of my hand, please, please, please stop adding random people in Skype Chat, they maybe my online mates, and yours (I think), but they will indeed soon find you annoying and uncomfortable when around you, you talk too much personal things. I don't even know where you get the idea to share information with strangers from. I know you want to be an Youtuber (Because you watched too much, I don't know really), but try thinking of other careers, many youtubers still admit that they do not have a talent (Mostly gamers anyways), youtube is more like a get-away Job. There is probably more things as life goes on, life would get harder from here, so please take my advice; YOLO
The sun shone brightly into the makeshift den. Buzzardpaw slowly got up glancing around trying hard to remember where she was. She padded out of the den staring around at cats moving brambles around to remake the WindClan camp. Buzzardpaw headed towards her mentor Skyfall. The other cats busily path up the bramble wall for protection from other clans. Buzzardpaw races out of the den and runs over to Skyfall.
“I’m ready for my training, Skyfall!” Buzzardpaw bounces around waiting for her to take her out of camp. Instead Skyfall stares out of camp at the forest. Buzzardpaw stares up at Skyfall worried about here. She padded out of camp alone without Skyfall. The odor of fire and smoke was still in the air, but Buzzardpaw didn’t mind. Buzzardpaw looks at the ThunderClan forest seeing it was mostly burnt compared to the other clan’s territories. She thought about her gathering friend Palepaw from ThunderClan.
Buzzardpaw leaped over the river between the two clan territories. She rushed towards their camp trying to track a scent of a ThunderClan patrol anywhere. All Buzzardpaw could smell is the scent of burnt wood and smoke in the air. The fire last night was pretty bad here.. Buzzardpaw thought staring around at the forest full of mostly ash and very few trees that survived the fire.
Post by The Angry Unicorn on Jul 11, 2016 12:37:25 GMT -5
( I apologize for my dumbness when I realise I submitted the wrong thing o=o" ) 7/10 The overall storyline is fine, it just needs a bit more descriptive on some places.
How it is crunchy as you tread on top of it, how we can make stuff from it, how we can slip and slide across it. Those are the properties of snow to me. The only time I see snow is when I am up on the mountains. We don't snow in winter, apparently, our little country is just too warm for snow, but yet, not that warm as the highest summer temperature only reaches 30 degrees Celsius. So the only time we would only see snow, is up in the mountains. Each year, I would be dying to go up and play in the snow. Not sure why, its just this vibe. Or this calling? I don't know.
But today is the day, I woke up at 5 am, where the world is still asleep, where the only noises were our broken tap with the endless running water. Luckily our water is free. I sat there for a while, just staring outside at the abyss, I often stare outside looking down the streets, we live in a quiet neighbourhood- till some fellas moved in next to us, now they won't stop blearing out loud music each day, I can tell why Danny barks more often now. Anyways, the street may not sound boring, but I find it quiet intriguing, you can tell what had happened in the night by just looking at it- New skid marks, Junk food scraps everywhere. Those things point out what have happened during the night. Weird stuff.
The heater was burning hot as I reached out, its as though itself was on fire, but I couldn't really tell how these mechanism actually works. So maybe they really are on fire? Slowly changing out of my PJ's, I put on my regular clothes- not jeans, I don't know why but I never loved jeans- and basically packed my bag, yes I may have packed my back yesterday and may not but the point is I finished packing my bag, and today would be the day. To have this first skiing trip With all 4 families in one giant house. A giant, wooden house, from what I've heard.
( Well I technically just wrote what was in my mind so I guess it's horrible and rushed bcause I really do need to pack my bag xD )
Post by fanfictionmachine🦄 on Aug 15, 2016 22:42:46 GMT -5
8.5/10 Maybe be a little more careful with grammar? (-0.5) I like the way you reveal what "the day" means at the end; maybe you could have a little more excitement building up to that? It was hard to connect with the character's emotions. (-1) OOH JUST A TIP FOR LATER ON YOU SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING GO TERRIBLY WRONG
Ok, I don't know how to make a Spoiler: Click to show so plez bare with me Pretend that this works lol Spoiler: Click to Show The black-and-white spotted she-cat's eyes were enormous with terror as she ran for her life. Her sides ached with exhaustion, heaving for breath- she wanted nothing more than to sit down and take a rest on these rocks. But she couldn't afford that. Being a medicine cat, she typically wasn't on the move this much- then again, her life typically wasn't in this much danger. The sun's fiery tendrils cast a gorgeous orange glow over her aching paws, but she didn't have time to enjoy the scenery. Her paws continued pounding over the rock. Claws suddenly came at her from behind, and she yowled as she was sent to the ground. Fighting to get free, she noticed a silver warrior lunging at her rogue attacker. "Be careful, Silverlock!" the spotted cat panted, then turned around and bolted upward towards the top of the rocks. Maybe she could find safety there. "Starclan be with you, Pepperblossom!" Silverlock's mew faded as Pepperblossom distanced herself further. But there were pawsteps thundering behind her, and she turned. Silverlock's head was bleeding, smashed against a stone. Horror froze Pepperblossom on the spot. The dark brown rogue was charging at her, and she was brought to her knees by teeth closing around her leg. It was as if she'd been nothing more than Dawn's next prey. "Dawn! Stop! What did I do to you?" she begged in breathless desperation; instead, the rogue bit down harder and advanced until her breath was landing as mist on Pepperblossom's neck. "StarClan, help me!" "Your precious StarClan won't save you. You've crossed me for the last time," Dawn spat. "Open your eyes! Your dreams will do nothing! They've abandoned you, Clanborn." The words stung more than the wound in Pepperblossom's leg. "StarClan would never. And if they can't save me, then Stormcloud will!" Dawn narrowed her golden eyes. "You're certainly going to need saving." Her claws met Pepperblossom's muzzle, making the medicine cat's deep green eyes water in pain. Dawn lunged for the kill... Pepperblossom narrowly missed the death bite. Panic flooded through her like the river running through DuskClan territory. Her weak cry and the sound of a triumphant laugh were all that were left before Stormcloud finally came. When he arrived, Pepperblossom's beautiful eyes were glazed and her fur was cold, blood spilling onto the rock beneath her body. The two lovers were too late for each other, and Dawn was gone. Stormcloud knew what he had to do. For the Clans. For his beautiful Pepperblossom. He would, one day, create a dawn without Dawn.
7.8/10 It needs more details. I'm very lost in the story and I don't really get what's going on anymore...
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A little paragraph of a story I'm writing. I'm only showing a tiny bit of it. Most of the things in the paragraph are untold and will be answer in later chapters. Also, I'm not going to show all 3 paragraphs cause it gets a bit more told, and the reason why I'm doing this is.... It'll get published when I'm WAAYY WAY WAY older.
The gray clouds slowly covered the moon. The forest was almost pitch black, and lightning flashed from time to time in the sky. The trees dangled over the clearing, while in the darkness, shadowy figures crept stealthily around. A dilute calico cat soared out from the bushes, leaving them with a small hole from her moving through them. Saki turned around, hoping the creature wasn’t still following her. She sniffed around for some way back home, but all she picked up was a scent of a monster. Saki’s heart thumped making her almost loose balance. She kept running feeling thumps from behind her, The monster caught up! Saki thought while she ran.
